Category: Ramblings

I used to think something was wrong with me. That I needed to grow up or grow out of whatever high school phase I felt like I was in, but I realized that wasn’t true at all.

For me the idea of “settling down” sounds suffocating. Just the word ‘settling’ is uncomfortable, it makes my chest tight, forces the air from my lungs and leaves me gasping.

It’s not that I don’t want a marriage or a family, I do, I often find myself daydreaming of that season of life. It’s the idea of a regular 9-5 job that cripples me. Coming home having dinner, putting the kids to bed, watching some TV, going to bed, waking up and doing it all over again, life on a continuous loop. Over and over, week after week, month after month, year after year, until the kids are moved out and you’re retired. That type of life, where aspirations are only as high as driving a nice car, owning a nice home, and going on one vacation a year, sounds like my own personal purgatory.

For a long time I thought until that life sounded appealing I was immature and I wasn’t ready for “real life” I thought I needed to except my fate and face it head on to be an adult. I thought this was something I would grow out of. I thought that because I wasn’t, I was a failure, that I was stuck and needed to grow up.

But guess what……

 

I WAS WRONG

and I am so glad that I was wrong. I don’t think that lifestyle will ever sound appealing to me! I wish it did, it would make life a lot easier for me. There is nothing wrong with a perfect picket fence lifestyle, I truly envy the people that enjoy it, but it is not for me.

I am a dreamer.

I am a crazy, head in the clouds, at times unrealistic dreamer.

Rigidness and strict schedules are claustrophobic to me. To truly flourish, I need flexibility and room to create. I crave spontaneity, excitement and newness. Too much consistency makes me feel stagnant and itchy for change.

It took a  l o n g  time for me to accept myself, to learn that this isn’t a phase, it doesn’t mean I need to “grow up” this is my authentic self. I have two options, I can either try and force myself to live a certain way or I can embrace who I truly am and find my special place in the world where I can shine the brightest and give the world what I was designed to give it. News flash, I tried the first option and it didn’t work. So here I am trying option two. All this acceptance and self discovery is still new to me so I’m still working on figuring out where my special place is, but I am so excited to find it and let my little light shine like never before.

To all my fellow dreamers, white picket fencers, and everyone in between,  don’t force yourself to be something that you’re not. Follow your heart and be authentically you. I was forcing the wrong ideals for so long and nothing was falling into place because it wasn’t right for me. Once you start being true to who you are magic starts happening.

The universe cannot deny authenticity.

Thanks for reading, now go make some magic happen!

-Jess♥

HI! Sunday night I drove up to Sundance by myself, I needed to get away, get some fresh air, be outside, and feel a little more grounded and connected to the earth. I ended up sitting by the fire pit just chillin’ contemplating the meaning of life when a strange man asked me if I cared if he smoked. I hate when people use that as an opening line, BUT, this guy, he had some things to say that I NEEDED to hear.

First let me tell you a little about him. He’s in his 40’s and is pursuing his rap career. He used to rap in high school and loved it, but didn’t continue doing it. He went on mission, went to BYU, got married at 23 and became a software developer.  He realized that he wasn’t happy and wanted to get back into rapping and his wife was like “wtf you can’t be a rapper you are 44 years old” and allegedly that’s why his marriage ended. Now he lives up in Sundance in a small little cabin and he is just enjoying life and following his dreams.

Right now I’m at a point in life where nothing make sense. He told me that it’s okay that I feel that way, that it’s actually good that I feel that way. That being 20 is all about feeling that way and that whatever I do in my 20’s is okay. I could do cocaine and kill a man but it’d be okay because I was in my 20’s lol. He told me that he’s trying to live his 20’s now, that he feels 20 mentally but not physically and that this is my time and I need to embrace it.

I know, you’re reading this and thinking, everyone says this to 20 somethings, but I just really needed to hear it from a stranger for it to stick I guess. Nothing super profound or blog worthy at this point, but then he said:

“If money wasn’t an issue, and you had already taken all the vacations in the world, what would you want to do? Money holds us back from so much, so what does your heart really want to do if you knew that you could?”

WHAT?! I thought about it, and I’m still thinking about it and I honestly have no idea. Then he told me that I needed to go find it, go and find my dreams and follow them.

Driving home I felt incredibly inspired, I still do, still don’t know what the heck my dreams are, I just know that I need to follow them.

So this is me telling you, FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS.

There are no limits in life except for the ones that you set yourself, and holy cow I have been setting sooooo many for myself without even realizing it. I’m so mad at myself for not living life the way I want to, I keep making excuses and putting up roadblocks for no reason. I keep saying oh, “I’ll do it next time” and next time turns into next year and everything that I want to do keeps getting pushed further and further back.

I’m sick of it. A moment of self realization came when I wanted to drive to Idaho in the middle of the night and watch the solar eclipse, but I didn’t go, and I am still kicking myself for not doing it. A once in a lifetime experience and I made excuses and said oh maybe next time. I feel like I’ve been putting life on hold. I am not living life the way I want to be, I feel like I’m barely living at all and that has to stop right now.

I feel super inspired to make some drastic changes in my life, I have got to chase my dreams and start living!!!

Don’t turn down opportunities, don’t put things off, don’t make excuses.

Just live.

 

Thank you for reading, I’m really excited for what the future holds, the world feels so full of potential and possibilities and I feel so inspired to go out there and grab them. I can’t wait to share it all with you!

-Jess🖤

 

 

 

 

 

 

I feel like I’m in a time of life that’s crazy and confusing and nothing really makes sense, but I really couldn’t be happier. (:

Some days I get insanely stressed out and cry a little (okay maybe a lot) because I feel like I have nothing  figured out but that’s just part of life/being young and confused #ohwell. 

I’ve just never been happier with life than I am right now & I think that’s something to celebrate!

Happiness has always been something I’ve struggled with. It’s been a j o u r n e y to get here but for the first time in my life I can confidently say that I’m genuinely happy, AND that I’m happy wayyyy more often than I am sad. 

Which is huge win for me. 

For a long time I was so frustrated with myself. I saw how happy everyone else was and I couldn’t figure out why I was so depressed. I was beating myself up over e v e r y t h i n g. It seemed like happiness came so naturally to everyone except me and that was really hard to deal with. 

Then I realized that other people were struggling to be ~happy~ in happy valley just like I was & for some reason that made me feel so much better. Not that I was glad other people were unhappy, it just made me feel more normal and less like a sad, depressed, lonely little outlier.  

I’m still definitely not Susie sunshine and I’m not saying I have a magic formula to fix your life, sometimes fixing your life means taking antidepressants and years of therapy, but I do have a few things that have tremendously helped me be happier more often (it’s still a work in progress). 

•Do what makes you feel good 

For me that’s going to the gym and actually getting ready everyday. It’s crazy what some endorphins & a little make up/not looking a potato can do for my self esteem.  

•Stop beating yourself up 

Seriously stop being so hard on yourself!!! Stop putting yourself down!! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! You are awesome, love yourself, talk to yourself with love (hello, I am very much still working on this one). 

•Gratitude journal 

Take like 5 minutes every morning and write down a few things you’re grateful for. This makes such a huge difference & I think everyone should do it. Seriously it is a GAME CHANGER! If I don’t write in my gratitude journal for a few days I’m noticeably more negative/kind of bitch, ew. 

•Let yourself feel emotions

It’s okay to be sad or mad or annoyed or whatever you’re feeling that isn’t *happy happy happy*. Truly let yourself feel those emotions instead of bottling them up and trying to act happy.  Emotions are healthy, take a minute (or a few hours) to feel them and then move TF on. 

•Cut negativity out of your life

For me that meant quitting my awful job, but I don’t necessarily recommend doing that lol. But if something/someone truly makes you unhappy, GET RID OF IT. 

•Stop making excuses 

Everyone has things they want to do and the only thing holding them back is excuses. Cut the crap and start making stuff happen yo. There NO LIMITS in life except for the ones that you set for yourself. 

•Happiness is internal

Game changer, it seriously took me 20 years to figure this out and I feel kind of silly that it took me so long, but happiness comes from you. No one can take it away from you, it’s yours. Happiness is NOT situational, let me say that again for the people in the back, HAPPINESS IS NOT SITUATIONAL. Life can be shitty and you can still be happy (mind blowing I know). Put happiness first and then allll da good things come.

Life is magical and good and full of crazy potential and millions of blessings. There is no reason not to be absolutely giddy about life. I hope that this helps someone at least a tiny bit because girl, I have been there, I know. Life does not have to be perfect to be happy. You are magical and awesome and deserve to feel nothing but extraordinary happiness. Anyway, that’s all for today. I’m so grateful for life & this blog. Thank you for being here

-Jess♥